Woah, wait, what? Katherine?
Yup. Sometimes it slaps me in the face so hard. I have learned a lot of ways to become aware of when I'm experiencing it, and I have learned to do what I need to do to keep being a good, functioning human being.
One thing I do that I think is a good defense against depression, is to retreat to a safe place instead of a really dark place.
I find myself pining to be somewhere else. "Somewhere else" is almost always one of these two places: in the Alps in Switzerland, or at the dock by the lake at sunset.
I like to recreate these places with my beginner painting skills. I want to recreate the feelings of peace and love and tranquility that I experienced as a child and/or teenager in those places.
I'm so fascinated by the mind. Specifically, my mind. Several years ago, my anxiety was rampant. It controlled every single aspect of my day.
Thanks to some serious health re-organization, feelings of anxiety have been very dormant. Yay!
But WHAM. The other side, the sad side, the slow, numb, "I don't want to do anything ever" side surprises me some days by just taking over my mind.
Here's a cool fact I've noticed: it is almost always directly proportional with the cloudiness of the sky. Actually I don't know if that's a fact, or something I made up because it feels poetic! I am 99% sure that I'm directly affected by the sun and lack-thereof, though.
I like to remind myself that sad days are OK.
I realize this post is a bit scatter-thoughted, and not very concise. Maybe I will continue in point-form!
Why I feel sad:
-situations in my life
-life hands me a lot of "no" all at once
-I start to remember all the "yes" and then I feel guilty for being sad and that makes me more sad
What I do to feel better:
-continue with my tasks of the day
-be around people that are more energetic than me
-go to yoga
-call my parents and tell them all my insecurities (this sucks at first, but once it's out, it feels good)
What I want to do with my life:
-I want to help
-I want to share
-I want to create
I've been mulling over a bunch of topics that I want to write about and share through this blog. A lot of them are deep, heavy, and hugely personal. This post is step #1.
I'd really love to open a dialogue about these kinds of things, and if you're reading this right now, it means I had the guts to hit "publish" regardless of my fears and inhibitions about sharing stuff like this on the World Wide Web.
What this post isn't:
-a cry for attention
What this post is: